This isn’t to say I don’t tell my son I love him. I do so frequently. It’s just that when I say ‘I love you,’ to my son, that feeling I share with him is a result of behaviors I’ve tried to consistently express as a father. These include explicitly communicating five things through my behaviors: that he is safe with me, that I hear him, that I acknowledge him, that I take him seriously, and that I approve of him one hundred percent of the time. Here is what I do.
1. I Am Calm
No matter what my son says, I make sure that his words cause me to engage him further. I never emotionally or physically retaliate, threaten, or frighten him. I imagine myself sitting back, legs crossed. This demeanor invites him to articulate his thoughts and feelings without hesitation.
2. I Am Engaged
In my experience, the very first thing children need to know—in advance of a yes, or a no, or a maybe—is that they are heard, meaning that they count. I understand that if my son believes that I don’t hear him, he may also believe that I don’t care about him, that who he is doesn’t matter. I remind myself that feeling heard is directly related to his self-image and self-esteem.
3. I Offer Acknowledgement
I recognize his efforts, his successes, his challenges, and even his failures, as legitimate expressions of who he is. Acknowledgment also means that I must work not turn my son’s experience into mine. For example, if he gets cut from a team, I don’t tell him what I would have done. I just tell ask him to tell me if he feels there is something better he could have done.
4. I Try to Never Be Dismissive
My son needs to know that his words and feelings are important to me. They are never frivolous. So I do not make fun of, dismiss, sneer, laugh, or in any way shape or form denigrate his feelings. This extends to every single interaction — even if he thinks he saw a ghost in his room the night before. I don’t laugh. I ask him what he saw and heard.
5. While I May Disapprove of His Actions, I Never Disapprove of Him
As a parent, it has been my obligation to remind my son (as a child, and even as an adult) that my disapproval or distress over his actions and/or words bears no relationship to my immutable approval of him. When he wanted a tattoo, he wondered if I’d hate him if he got it. I simply responded that I wouldn’t hate him — just the tattoo itself.
