On Getting Pregnant: “Yeah, I did it. I’m amazing. I laid there and… that’s it.” On Pregnancy Speculation: “Usually, when someone in the public eye gets pregnant, there’s a couple of months where there are some rumors about them. Bump alert! Uh oh! I was well into my second trimester and not one fucking rumor about me. Nothing. I was photographed, belly out, and they were just like, ‘There’s Amy!’” On the Questions People Ask: “What are you having? Do you know what you’re having? Hemroids.” On the Struggles of Pregnancy: “I didn’t know being pregnant could be really hard because you bitches all lied about it. Women don’t tell you how hard it is. I should have googled it.” On Cravings: “I haven’t even wanted wine, that’s how I know this baby’s not mine. This baby’s a lie!” On Her Husband: “Marrying a chef is a little on-the-nose for me. It’s like Snoop marrying weed.” On Weddings: “When you get into your late 30s, there’s no dignity to it. It’s like me in a Grecian gown with my aging cleavage wearing a Coachella flower halo, just hoping I’m not the bridesmaid with the biggest arm. On Puberty for Girls: “It’s supposed to be a secret. Like the second you get it, your mom says, ‘You’re a woman now… and that’s disgusting. Never let anyone know of your filthy secret.’” On Puberty for Boys: “At that age, for men, the most embarrassing thing is unwanted erections but then they grow up and show them to everyone.” On Confidence: “I have to give it up for my mom. She made me so confident. Like she just straight-up lied to me as a kid. It’s tough to stay confident, as a woman. You turn on the TV, see all the gorgeous women. We have to compete with the mother of dragons. What’s her name? Kris Jenner.” On Porn: “If you’re into gag porn, you should have been living at my house for the last five months, you’d be hard as a rock.” On Preparing for Parenting: “A baby. Guys, what the fuck am I doing? We have no idea what we’re doing. We have some books at home and every week there’s a terrifying video saying what’s going on in the baby’s development. ‘This week the baby is growing fur and eating you from the inside!’”
